Happy Thursday everyone! I'm so excited about my new upcoming posts.... Eeeeeep! I took a half day off to photograph a bunch of Fall outfits that I've been wanting to model but just haven't gotten a chance to.... unfortunately I was taking all the images myself (since The Mister was at work) and you can see the little remote thingy in all the images but you know... a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I'm currently obsessed everything plaid. Last year I was lucky enough to find this cute little blouse at my favorite local thrift store and it fit oh so well. I just love the ruffles and the red is the perfect shade. I knew exactly how I wanted to style this look.... and was excited for the chance to wear these new kitten tights that I had purchased awhile ago.
This tulle skirt is one of my favorite buys from Forever 21. It was only $8 dollars and literally goes with everything. I just knew it would work well with my plaid blouse and kitten tights... it is also just the right length. Check out the back of the tights... they have tails! It's all about the details darling.
Now for the heavy stuff.....
So I mentioned in my last post about some changes in my life and I thought it was time to talk openly and honestly about them. I don't like to air my "dirty laundry" online and hardly ever talk about my personal life (religious beliefs, politics, and or personal relationships) in great depth out of respect for my family and friends and I also don't want to ever offend any of my readers. I tend to keep topics "light" and "fluffy" and have only ever really discussed some of my health issues (epilepsy) that were effecting me a great deal and even then this was only semi recent. This is "my blog" after all and I should be able to share with my readers and others how I really feel and what I'm going through in my life right??
So many of the decisions that I have made over the course of this last year have been choices that I have made for myself (with great thought and care) based on what I truly believed to be in my best interest and for my health (mentally and physically). One of which was quiting my 9-5 job working for the city of Austin. This I've talked a lot about because my job was literally making me sick.
That was a little over a year ago now and since then I haven't had any seizures or severe migraines! I am back to jogging, and dropped over 12 lbs over the course of this last year and feel amazing.
There were other decisions that I have made more recently within the past 6 months or so that are really hard for me to talk about because it's more personal to me than talking about my physical ailments. I don't even really know how to word some of what I'm about to say but I'll do the best I can... I recently made the very hard decision to say good bye to some of my close friends. It was a choice that I felt I had to make (like I stated above) based on what would be best for me and my health. It was extremely hard to do because I shared a lot of fond memories and experiences with these friends. They had both been there for me through my "darkest times" and I had shared years of my life with them.
I thought long and hard about it (for a good year or so) and even talked about it with The Mister and came to the conclusion that in order for me to move on with my life that this was something that I'd have to do. One particular friendship was harder to break than the other because we had grown extremely close where as the other friendship had already faded more over time. For over the last year or so of this particular friendship I felt "trapped" in a way. There were things that were said and done (over the course of that last year) that were very damaging and hurtful to me and our to our relationship. I literally felt like the trust had been broken.... there were comments made on a daily basis... comments and remarks that I felt were intended to break or tear me down little by little. Which they did.... I never felt so weak before.
I'm all for "constructive criticism" but I literally felt like I was being ripped apart piece by piece. I'm not the type of gal that confronts issues or people for that matter "head on" like other gals do and maybe that's my fault. I'm working on that part of myself. I did however address the issue and brought it up several times on several different occasions and expressed how I felt and what I thought was happening only to be shut down. I noticed little changes in me and so did my Husband. It was really hard to deal with because at that time we were both working together literally side by side and I felt that I couldn't escape. To make matters worse this was at the height of my sickness (stress induced seizures due to horrible work environment) and I felt too weak and scared for that matter to end the relationship at that point in time.
The snarky little remarks and comments kept happening even after we had talked about how I felt. I started to wonder at one point if there was something wrong with me... if I was too insecure or too sensitive but I just couldn't shake it. There were remarks that were made to me that I literally thought in my mind "Did she really just say that?" or "Is this really happening?". It was like straight out of the movie "Mean Girls". I am not even exaggerating....
At one point in our relationship I even tried to break off the friendship only for us to makeup again. I thought that the judgemental comments and remarks would stop for good because at that point I wasn't messing around. I had already quit my city position and had started to feel better and felt stronger mentally and had physically started to shed some weight. I felt like a new woman and nothing was going to bring me down... or so I thought. The floundering friendship continued and it was good for awhile. I did however feel like the trust had been broken and didn't want to invest too much emotion this time around. It was a little easier because we no longer worked together.... I had even thought maybe that was what or problem was... that we spent too much time together and like sister's we just got on each others nerves. Wrong. Slowly and surely it started happening again.... little jabs and pokes here and there.
This time it I had just had it. When the bad starts to out weigh the good that's when you know it's time to cut your losses. I didn't even feel like I owed her an explanation... what was the point now? I had already told her how I felt about what she was doing and how I felt she'd been treating me on several different occasions. Nothing had really changed. I was exhausted and beat down. I just wanted to end it... rip it off like a bandage. So I did.... I was actually shocked to discover that she really had no clue why I ended the friendship and heard through mutual friends that she felt that I owed her an explanation and that she needed some sort of closure on the whole incident. I'm not one of those persons that feels the need to re-hash everything nor do I feel the need to get closure. I'm done and honestly I feel so free like I can actually be myself again. It was brought to my attention from a few different people that I'm quite happier and less mean now.... lol.
I recently looked back in my journal (that I haven't written in in over a year) and it's sooo sad! Almost all my journal entries are about our friendship and how I was angry, hurt and upset about all the little comments she would make. I even wrote some of them down... some of them actually sound like something a little child would say. I can't even believe that I let someone talk to me that way or treat me like that for such a long time. I think that I was just really sick and weak at the time and I had no energy left to deal with what was happening around me.... I really don't know why I put up with it. The other friendships that I ended weren't as significant to me... they were basically just people in bad relationships that were full of drama and they just weren't living a very healthy lifestyle. I wanted to get away from all of that since I myself was working on being a more positive person and trying to change my lifestyle to be more fit mentally and physically.
I'm at a point in my life where I've finally got my health back and I feel like I've been given a second chance. I want to surround myself with people that are kind and caring. I don't want to waste my energy on people that don't deserve it and poke fun at me whenever the opportunity presents itself... I've been through way too much to worry myself about the petty drama going on in the world. I want to spend as much time as I can enjoying my family and friends that actually care and want to see me succeed. I finally feel like I have somewhat of a back bone now... maybe I'm just a little harder and have thicker skin now. I'm learning to speak up for myself more too.... I know I have issues vocalizing how I feel and I let my feelings build up inside me until I burst. I'm not perfect and I'm working on myself daily... I don't want people to think that I'm evil... this friendship wasn't all bad. We had some really good times too.... which is why it was so hard for me to say goodbye. I've had some of the best times and loudest laughs with this person and I'm sure I did and said hurtful things as well (especially in the end). I want to take this lesson and learn from it. I know the people that really matter in my life will be the ones that I will have long lasting relationship with. I am very blessed to have a loving Husband and Sister and a very close BFF that has been there for me through the toughest times. There is so much more that could be addressed and said but this is already the craziest, longest post ever. Whew!!! I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this sensitive subject. Has anyone else gone through something similar they'd like to share? This has been something that I've been keeping inside of me for such a long time that I think it's good that I finally was able to address the issue. It's almost theraputic in some little way.
Skirt: Forever 21
Tights: Diesel is Fuel
Lip Stick: Revlon (Love that Red)